


all she can do.

by kixlepixle



Series: The Fourtuneless [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Dissociative Amnesia, Dysfunctional Family, Edge - Freeform, Enemies to Friends, Families of Choice, Gen, Sadness, Strong Language, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, failed suicide attempt, how to describe Alice in three words, not as sad as it sounds, some peeps die, this is NOT how to treat suicidal or depressed people, this is also not how to treat kids who've survived trauma, well a lot of peeps die but none that we care about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 09:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10694532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kixlepixle/pseuds/kixlepixle
Summary: When you think about it, it's not that hard. Alice is eleven, she's one of the sharpest kids out there, and her instincts tell her she really does not want to die.





	all she can do.

Alice Majji is a girl born in the East in the broken country of Mirhadi.

Originally raised by her mom for three to four years, Alice lived a relatively happy life in school until her mom just. Gave her up. Handed her to a trusted friend and straight up left her life, never looking back, never leaving any explanations of why.

She grows up with the guy her mom handed her to. His name's Joseph and honestly, he was a pretty chill dude, but not fatherly material. Alice grows alright, though, and learns a few skills from him, like how to do dishes, how to cook, how to dress wounds, who to avoid in the world, the essentials of what to know in a society where the country's a mess and the only thing preventing a complete collapse or genocide is the fact that everyone's just trying to make do.

What Alice is blind to, though, is the environment around her and how damn unstable it is. Mirhadi is a damn wreck, and while most people don't really care and just want to make a living, the very new government (or lack of a real serious and stable one) reflects the instability of the country. To no one's surprise, political tension turns into political violence, flamed even further by a lot of cooperation who want to gain power in the country. Passion and tension runs- and so does blood.

People and neighbors start joining in, and next thing you know, you can't trust your own neighbors or know how long a block will last before flames are started and houses burn, or even it'll end up happening. José knows this, and so he drops off Alice at his friend's house, Matthew Ignatius. And Matt, feeling like he owes José a debt for saving him from a drunken suicide attempt, agrees to take care of the kid until things blow down. But it doesn't.

José's neighborhood is one of the firsts to go up in bloodshed in a two day event of utter chaos in the East, and Alice, stuck 50 miles away, is orphaned for the second time in her life.

Alice isn't dumb- she knows what happens. She cries. She grieves. She rages. What happened to them? Her friends? Her cousins? José? She regrets not calling him Dad when she had the chance. She regrets. She regrets, and she doesn't even know why, but she does and maybe it's an apology to José because he can't be with her right now. Matt doesn't know a damn thing to do, so when this kid needs him most in her life, he is quiet and uncertain and this is the beginning of a very rocky relationship.

She's hardly eleven.

***

Alice and Matt get along as well as oil and water. Her first month is terrible- she hates him, she hates the city, she hates this entire damn county and how ignorant and peaceful and so unaware people are here when their own country kin just died for no damn reason at all but a point in politics. She doesn't want. She doesn't want any of this. Nothing here could make up for what happened, nothing at all.

Matt tries to tell her, would this be what José wanted? Her ruining her own life? Not eating? Refusing to shower? Refusing to care for herself or the world around her? You would think this would work, or at least get a reaction. She's, what, eleven? Ten? Twelve? He can't remember, but it's somewhere along those lines. No matter what, though, she was always sharp for her age, understood too much for her age. So damn smart, too damn smart, sees the world through logic and hard work instead of ideals and colors the way kids her age should.

She hates him, he can tell. And maybe if he was a wiser person, or a better man, or even had a decent parent as a kid himself, he would know what to do. But he doesn't, because, damn, how can he make her not hate him when HE hates him? He's not ready to raise a kid. He can't even care for his own damn self, that's how he met José in the first place, ain't it? Except now José's dead and both he and Alice are just stuck in this together. But he can't say that. How does he?

Things don't get better. He kind of expects it and kind of doesn't- sometimes, he's half afraid one day he'll come back home from work and find her in a puddle of her own blood, but no, that's just him self-projecting, she would never do that. He's projecting a lot of things on her, really, and he has _issues_ and how does he help a kid realize life is worth more than the people you've left behind when he himself can't get over his own damn past?

He doesn't really expect her to get better on her own.

Which is all the more surprising when she does.

It was obvious when you look at it, really. Alice is a survivor. That's how she made it in her old neighborhood when things got rough, that's how she survived pneumonia and bronchitis and broken bones and a handful of more diseases back when she was still 3 and living with her mother who would attracted illnesses better than flames did moths.

When you think, it's not that hard. Alice is eleven, she's one of the sharpest kids out there, and her instincts tell her she really does not want to die.

So, six weeks later, the girl picks herself up all on her own and moves on like she never knew any other life beforehand. On one hand, Matt's proud of her (not that he really did anything to help). On another, he's damn terrified. The man is bloody _certain_ now that she didn't even need him in the first place, that José could have just dropped her in the damn middle of nowhere and she'd find a way to crawl back to civilization and move on with her life.

She's only eleven.

For a good three months, the two of them live in the same house as if the other doesn't even exist. Alice wakes up, does the chores on her side of the house, goes outside to buy groceries, communicates with the locals (dogs than actual humans), goes home at six, cooks a one person meal, and does god knows what in her bedroom until it's lights out at 10.

And Matt, well, now that he doesn't have to actually worry much about her now, he falls back into his destructive routine.

By the end of the fourth month, Matt goes home flat out wasted four out of seven days a week. By the middle of the next, Alice starts noticing odd things about his behavior that he never really does before. By the end of the fifth month, out of the middle of fucking nowhere, she finds him cold and unmoving at the head of his bed, a bottle of pills rolling off the edge of his nightstand and a half empty 8-pack carton of beer at his feet.

***

The next time Matt comes to, it's at his neighbor's house, an old man who used to be a skilled doctor back before the damn imperialists- well, back before.

The sad thing is that this isn't even the first time it's happened.

In the corner is the old guy, chatting and talking as if this is just another normal day, which it almost really is. Age doesn't necessarily mean wisdom, but this guy knows exactly how to deal with guys like Matt (and that phrase punches him in the gut, really).

What's not normal, though, is the bundle of anger and hate sitting in the corner of the room. Matt doesn't even realize she's there until the old man points it out as he leaves. He must be really out of it today.

After a tense silence, he's just about to offer a tentative "Hi," but maybe him moving sets her off because the next thing that happens is Alice on her feet, pure murder and _rage_ on her face, and she's screaming, _screaming_ at him how he's a damn hypocrite for telling her to live and move on and not die when he turns a 180 goes to do the complete opposite. She hates him, she hates his guts, she hates how he's so fucking hypocritical and then she's leaving with two doors slammed shut, quivering in the aftermath of her presence and fury.

And then, the consequences of what almost happened really weigh in for him.

Matt just attempted suicide while drunk. (Not new.)

Matt just attempted suicide while drunk, in the same house of a minor. (New.)

Matt just attempted suicide while drunk, in the same house of an eleven year old minor, a kid who just lost her entire life in one day and probably wants mind numbing nothingness more than he ever would. ( _Uncomfortably_ new.)

He hadn't even realize they had a "just live" promise until he almost broke it.

Matt stays at the old doc's house for maybe half a day more out of pure guilt until the old man kicks him out with the same warnings as usual, except with an extra implication of "Go get her, she deserves to know the story after what happened today."

So, Matt sluggishly drags himself back to his house. Except, now that he's at the door, he can't really go back in. He's a damn coward, has been all his life, a little more procrastination can't hurt.

So for the first time in, what, two years, he drags his ass to the groceries and buys food- and he means actual _food_ , not just takeout from Indian next door. Does he know how to cook? No. He buys stuff anyways.

But passing on the way home is a weird little shop for girls- brought over by foreign influence or something, except it's Western, so he has no idea what it's doing on the East Side of Mirhadi and not its respective other half.

(But then again, he's pretty damn white and he's living in the east too, ain't he?)

For some reason he doesn't know, he parks his car outside the shop (Claire's? What an odd name) and ends up browsing the store for 15 minutes. It's obvious that this establishment hasn't been actually supplied by the company for a while now- all of the materials are donated ribbons and ties he recognizes from the native cultures of the region, with only the _occasional_ western-looking flower band in sight. He has no idea how the shop's still standing, but hey, whatever, so's he, right?

(What is up with him and analogies today?)

He ends up buying a pink hair clip with a hastily glued on plastic flower. It's actually pretty nice, relatively new, too. It's a sloppy apology, half-assed at best, but with the mood he's in, half-assed is the best he can do.

He goes home, and to no one's surprise, his apologies of "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that, this is normal-ish, I actually like living, just not when I'm drunk," end up in a shouting match between the two.

The hair clip is forgotten and so are the groceries.

***

That is, until two days later and Alice becomes spiteful and goes through his car and finds the food a day later. Good thing the man bought only cans and veggies, because the food isn't rotten yet- she can actually steal this.

And reasonably, she knows she's being cruel and acting like an angry kid about the situation. But too bad, because she's a cruel person and she's an angry kid and she acts however she damn wants. Too much has changed recently, and she doesn't like it, so excuse her for acting her age for once in her short life.

And then she notices the hair clip, and, well, she's _really_ perplexed. Of course she recognizes what it is and even where it's from; what she wants to know is why a full grown 23-ish man is walking around the displays of Claire's.

And then thought that _maybe it's for me_ occurs to her, but she doesn't like it, so she shoves it away intensely and forgets about it completely.

She returns, they fight again, the house is never peaceful, whatever. At least it's something she can get used to now.

***

Of course, since the incident, Matt has never let himself get drunk near that house ever again. Most of the time, he's too damn pissed off and frustrated at the kid to get drunk, period. And yeah, she's a kid, because suddenly she decides to act like one out of the blue and he would be relieved to know there's still some "child" in her, but no, she acts like an asshole kid only around HIM, and all of it is _definitely_ out of spite. At this rate he won't even have to TRY to die before a stroke kills him.

Sad enough is, things probably would have STAYED like that too, until word on the wind tells of another town that fell to the dangers of politics and bloodshed. The news spread like a sick wildfire, and Alice hides herself away for every moment of it. Matt wouldn't even know she's alive if it weren't for the half-eaten, half-raw meals left sitting on the counter every night.

It's like that for a good two days until Matt gets fed up and storms in and gets ready to chew her out for wasting away _again_ but-

But then he can't because she's sick and there's a dangerously high fever and DAMN how did he NOT notice, he's failed the girl TWICE now, and the next time Alice comes to it's at the old doc's house again, but on the opposite side of the bed this time.

It would have nearly been an exact replica of what happened last time, except this time she's broken down crying in the middle of it. Suddenly it's a panicking Matt who's trying to comfort a little girl who hates his guts but can't stop the tears.

And he's surprised because- what happened. What.

But then she's sobbing something about how she hates him and in between Alice is cursing (cursing?!) him, and then she's swearing at Mirhadi about how she can't protect her own kids in her own borders, and then she's sobbing _why do people have to die_ , and then Matt suddenly realizes Alice is reliving the days before her entire home was wiped out and _there's the eleven year old in her_ and the unfairness of it all and-

Fuck, they've all got problems.

Except, now Alice has shut up entirely, and _whoopsie, did he said that out loud?_ and now the girl is doing some weird mix of laugh-cry, and now so's HE and _great. Absolutely wonderful. We've both lost their heads in this town, only a matter of time before the both of us are sent to the asylum, ain't that right ya little brat?_

***

It takes her two days to recover, but the doc determines that Alice will not gonna die on the spot, no thanks to Matt's hysterics ('cause the man REALLY doesn't know a single thing about illnesses). The two of them are kicked out again, and now they're back at the house.

It's awkward, at first, because what do you do when you figure out someone's not a huge asshole as you originally thought? The two tiptoe around each other like broken shards of glass and volcanoes ready to erupt. But then they fall into a weird routine- almost like the one when Alice first cared for herself, all by herself and no one else- except this time there IS someone else, because now she prepares two meals instead of one, and Matt returns one day with a second newly bought chair for the dinner table.

They learn to coexist, kinda. The two of them say hellos and goodbyes now whenever either leaves or enters the house, they buy groceries for two because the Indian store is running out of business (because Matt was their only business anyways).

And then sometimes they catch each other sleeping on the living room couches instead of their actual beds, because as cliche as it sounds, those bedrooms don't hold the happiest memories at this point.

It's gradual, and the weirdest (and maybe best) thing yet is that it's not a big chance of fate or a huge bang that spurred the two to actually care for each other, but quiet moments in the middle of night full of companionship and bad jokes.

Matt learns that Alice was born with a weak immune system like her mom, so she regularly jogs and works out to keep herself strong, to his couch-potato horror. He learns that Alice actually really likes hair clips and bows, so he goes out of the way to buy her more. He learns that she- for some god awful reason- LOVES beetles and roaches.

Alice, in return, learns that Matt HATES flies and spiders more than he even hates himself. She learns that he actually knows quite a bit about mechanics, and whenever he leaves the house tp "drink", it's actually to fix up someone's car or help repair a broken radio to earn a bit of cash, alongside his job at the thrift store. She learns that he has a weird scar near his rib cage that she only saw because the stupid man forgot to close the door when he showered, and that he (surprisingly) doesn't give away any information under pressure (or 5 mountains of pillows and books).

They pick stuff up from each other, too. Matt tries to cook and learns he has some ( _some_ ) decent hand at it, especially when it comes to sweets. Alice picks up house repairs and some technological stuff quickly, and does the domestic fix-ups from now on, allowing Matt more time to earn a little bit of extra cash. Matt learns how to properly sharpen a combat knife ( _what the hell, Alice_ ), and Alice learns how to ( _beafuckingWIMPatvideogames_ ) tell if someone's lying (about whether or not he _hAS A BLUE SHELL IN MARIO KART 8 what the HELL Matthew I'll SKIN YOU ALIVE-_ ).

Alice figures out the best way to help Matt is to treat him like a person, not another textbook case of depression. Matt learns the best way to help Alice is to give her space to be independent and treat her like an adult, but to always available as comfort or someone to lean on when she needs it. And when it all comes down to it, they comfort each other when things get rough through actions, not words, in a way so they both understand the other is still there.

When they fight, they FIGHT. But it's worth it- companionship, someone to rely on, someone to look after and be looked after in return- it pays off. Matt becomes a weird, lazy father-uncle-bro figure, while Alice becomes a weird daughter-niece-sister gal.

They learn to coexist, which makes it all the more painful when it's ripped away.

***

It's something stupid, really. It was just another disagreement, which lead to another fight, which lead to a HUGE fight. But they were still riding off the pain of hearing in the news, "Politician supporting East Side civilian poor, assassinated," and then thought of what happens next ( _will Alice's future education be available, will we even LIVE till then with all the chaos of this country_ ) sets them all on edge.

A disagreement over dinner turns into a fight turns into a screaming match turns into two doors slamming shut and an engine rumbling on and a car hastily driven away.

But then two hours gone turns into four turns into six turns into Alice passing out at the edge of the couch because of staying up late, worrying about Matt, wondering _why isn't he home yet, surely he didn't abandon me. Surely I'm not being left behind, again, surely._

And then it's the next day and she still alone in the house and God forgive her but she's panicking so she grabs a coat, a pocketknife, and last-last night's sausages as an apology and runs outside to find her dad-bro.

Her first thought is to check the doc's place, but when she knocks the door, no one answers. Worried, she enters (because who honestly has locks around here) but finds the place empty.

Then she thinks, well, Matt stress-shops and she stress-eats, so maybe he's being considerate and went to the store but fell asleep there or something. But only when she's there does she remember, wait, yesterday the store was closed because they don't open on Tuesdays, and Matt knows that.

So then she walks to Claire's and asks whether they've seen their tallest regular around here somewhere and the lady at the counter says Matthew bought a flower crown before heading up north a few hours ago.

Alice thanks her and walks up towards where she knows the bridge is. Makes sense, because for some reason, Matt finds comfort at the old stone at the quiet part of town. Can't believe she didn't go there first.

But along the way, she's thinking, "Why did he stay out so long? Why's he headed north? Is he leav-" and then she cuts herself short, because that's not true. They depend on each other too much for the idiot to leave her. That, she knows. He's not like her mom, or José, because he's stupid enough to stay while they weren't.

And that's when she sees the cars.

There's the van, turned upside down. There's another, violently smashed into the side of the bridge, and a lot of dark and violent tire tracks. There are a lot of people standing around, held back only by the tape lines and police who show up every once a blue moon.

But what Alice focuses in on is the red.

Too much red.

And in the corner of the red pool around the car turned upside down, a stained flower crown.

...The rest of it is unclear. Some days, she remembers it as clear as day, everything's loud, everything's bright, too much noise, too much, too much. Other days, she remembers it in a haze. Everything is muffled. The sounds- it's as if everyone is underwater. Nothing makes sense. Most days, she prefers not to remember it at all.

What she does remember, though. Three bodies covered by sheets, laid out in the sun. All of them, hastily covered, and she can see the bright blond hair that can only mean _look there, two of those Miller tourists are dead, what a shame, what a shame, and the guy with the red hair-._

The red hair, that's supposed to shine as bright as fire.

The red hair, that's supposed to glow under the shine of florescent lights in the kitchen at 2 AM.

The red hair, that she has more than often fantasized just yanking out of the owner's head out of pure spite.

The red hair, caked in blood.

There's only one guy in town with red hair.

She- well, she doesn't remember what she does. Did she run? Did she not. Did she vomit? She couldn't tell. Did she run to him, screaming, crying, telling him not to leave? Or did she just stand there, with nothing but emptiness rolling over her.

She can't remember, she honestly can't. That should scare her more than it does, but it doesn't, and she's just glad she didn't know how she reacted towards being left alone for the third time in her measly 12 year life.

What she DOES remember is waking up- not in her house, but the doc's. Again.

_Oh, there you are, you're awake, he says. Saw you there at the scene, and then you- well, either way, I thought you would rather wake up here than in that house of yours. You shared with Matthew, didn't you? Poor man... loses his life the moment he decides it's worth living. But never mind him. How are you?_

_How are you_

_How are_

_How a_

How

How am I?

What do I do now?

Where do I go?

How am I?

What do I do?

What do I do…

What do I...

***

She runs away.

***

The next few months. They're not real.

She doesn't know what's real. She doesn't know what's physical, what's not. She doesn't know- she doesn't know anything. There's a- she's a- her mind is somewhere. Somewhere else, she figures. When was the last time she ate? Time to go to the market. But no, she's not in town anymore. She ran away. How many days has it been? When was the last time she slept? Look at that, there's a dog being walked by a man with red hair.

But no, that's not. That man's nose is too long, Matt's allergic to dogs, Matt's dead.

Matt's dead.

Matthew is dead.

Her brother is dead.

And suddenly, it's like she's surfaced after being stuck in a pool for hours on end.

The air is cold, her cheeks are bitten by the winter air. Her hands- she can't feel them. What time is it?

Alice is breathing and heaving like she just ran a marathon. She's- she's not-

She's crying, and crying, and there's no one to comfort her, and she's alive, but there's no one there but her.

She's alone, and she's alone, and she's alone.

It's been hours. It's been days. It's been years. Alice looks up.

No, it's only been a few minutes.

And Alice- she's alone.

Matt's dead. Okay. _It's not okay._ Okay. _But it's not okay-_ Okay FINE, well then, what are you going to do?

What is she going to _do_?

What _can_ she do?

...She knew from the beginning, the answer to that question.

Alice blinks. Her fingers are numb, and so's her face. Her toes are starting to look an unhealthy shade of blue, so she has to find warmth and shelter soon, or else she'll get frostbite with no one around to help. _You'll have to get something, for your head, too,_ a voice in there tells her. _What's it called, shock? Is that what it's called? Trauma? Shock?_

Taking a deep breath, Alice gets up (and everything hurts, but that's fucking okay) and takes a wobbly step forward. She runs her hands through her hair, and it catches on something. Of course, it's the damn stupid hair clip Matt gave her the day before the fight, before-

She ignores that and takes the clip off and stows it into a pocket.

Right, shelter. She has to find shelter. She has to find a place to stay- to live, at least for a while.

Living, yeah, that's a good idea.

After all, it's all that she can do.

**Author's Note:**

> cross posted from fictionpress (although I personally like this site better??) 
> 
> anyways, this is part of a series I've been mentally planning for like.... three years now that I just now write on whim when I feel like it, next in the series is probably gonna be Matt's sad gay story. alice doesn't get her angst from nowhere smh. Also, tell me if I handled anything in a bad or insensitive way, I'll be sure to talk with you and resolve the issue.
> 
> Shoutout to my friend and @siscomknight for sitting through the whole process of this I love them both check out their stories!!! hella good
> 
> HMU @ Tumblr & IG @kixlepixle!!! always free to talk abt anything <3


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